Learning Tips

Here is a Learning Tip to help you be more productive, thoughtful, respectful or just a better person.

Tip #1: “Empathy is the art of communication.” (From Put Emotional Intelligence to Work by Feldman and Mulle, ASTD Press 2007)

What is empathy really? Some people think empathy means agreement with what the other person is saying. They use phrases like: “I know exactly how you feel.” “I know just what you mean.” Well, those phrases may offer “sympathy” but that is not empathy.

One definition is taking an active interest in other people’s concerns. In the book Put Emotional Intelligence to Work, it lists several guiding principles to understand what empathy is:

“If you want someone to care about what you think, you have to care about what he or she thinks.”

“If you want to influence people, you need to understand empathically the power of their point of view and to feel the emotional force with which they believe it.”

Empathy is to build a “bridge of understanding from the other person’s side of the ravine.” That’s why empathy is so vital to a successful communication, but sorely lacking for many people. How often has this situation happened to you? You are sharing your frustration with a co-worker about how her business unit’s “way of doing things” impacts your work in serving customers. Your co-worker interrupts you defending her business unit's side of the issue. What typically happens is the two of you keep going back and forth in a stalemate. There is no solution.

Now, what would happen if your co-worker had responded with an empathic statement, e.g., “You feel frustrated because our business unit's way of doing things is having a negative impact on your ability to serve our customers.” Your co-worker demonstrated an understanding of your situation. And, then it would be great if your co-worker followed up with, “Tell more about that.” Now, we have a conversation that is building a bridge of understanding from your side of the ravine. Your co-worker doesn’t have to agree with you, but it is critical that she first listen to what your problem is before she offers her perspective. Empathic listening responses are important to have an effective communication.

I highly recommend purchasing the book Put Emotional Intelligence to Work. I’ve included several new exercises from it in my Emotional Intelligence seminar, especially empathic listening which is a skill of the EI competency, Social Awareness. It can be purchased at ASTD Press.

Upcoming Conference!!

There is still time to register for the2008 Iowa Employment Training & Benefits Conference, April 23 at Prairie Meadows Conference Center. This conference is for business owners, managers, HR professionals, trainers, risk managers and benefit specialists. I will be conducting two workshops: Legal Update for Employers on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity and How to Conduct an Effective Interview. Hope to see you there.